The New Guy Pt. 1

"So they finally fired Steve Mellechuk?"

"Yup."

"'Bout damn time.  How that asshole stuck around so long is beyond me."

"Everyone was sure it was blackmail."

"Well, ding dong Mellechuk's gone!  I think we can drink to that!"

"We could.  But part of me kind of wishes he weren't."

"Ok, what?!  What twisted masochistic part of you wants that douchebag back in your office?"

"The part of me that's met his replacement."

"Ok, what's so bad about his replacement?"

"...he's a hideous mutant zebra man."

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"I know, I know, I shouldn't judge a book by its cover but, I mean, c'mon, man..."

"Ok, hold on, slow down, back up.  So Steve was what, the Assistant Head of Executive Accounts and RCT Reports, right?"

"VRC Reports."

"Tomato, tomato.  He was also a total asshole which I don't believe was a necessary qualification for the position.  So, this new guy, is he also an asshole?"

"No, but he's a hideous mutant zebra man."

"I'm going to need you to start at the top and give this some context, man."

"Alright, sure.  Pulled into the parking lot at quarter to, just in time to see an unmarked black panel van pulling away from the office.  Dave Shoemaker comes running up."

"Oh man, Shoemaker probably had a field day with that.  Let me guess, InnoServe Solutions is the money laundering site for the reptillians who caused 9/11?"

"Maybe, I've honestly stopped listening.  It's just white noise.  But I can't lie, my mind went in that direction when I saw it.  We know the usual delivery trucks, never seen one of these.  So, Shoemaker and I head in and there's Rachael at the desk and so we ask and she says Mellechuk's replacement just got here."

"Alright, so the dude carpools with the Men in Black.  You used to ride with Greg Pheobus so you can't really talk.  You had to burn your entire first year wardrobe."

"Pheebs was gross, absolutely, but this guy is a hideous mutant zebra man."

"Just keep going..."

"Alright, so Dave and I go to grab some coffee and we run into Chris Aims."

"Right, Head of Executive Accounts and RCT Reports?"

"VRC Reports."

"Potato, potato.  And...?"

"'Hey guys, you need to meet my new Assistant, he just got here and he's a helluva guy!'"

"See?  He's a helluva guy."

"He's also a hideous-"

"'HELLUVA GUY'!  Continue!"

"...so, coffee in hand, we all head down to Accounts and Reports.  Before we even get there, I hear this...dry, wheezing chuckle...and then, there he is at the fax machine."

"Laughing at the fax machine.  Of course, it's not 1992."

"He wasn't laughing, though, and he was just punching it with a fistful of paper.  Well, I'm not sure 'fistful' is even the right word but there's not really a word for what's in between a fist and a hoof."

"Laughing at it, punching it, it's a fax machine, it's well deserved.  But enough about the fax machine already..."

"Aims makes introductions.  "Guys, I'd like you to meet Alistair Zebraman."  Next thing I know I'm shaking hands...well, again, I use the term 'hand' loosely...with a hideous mutant-"

"Zebraman is his name, dude."

"And what he is!  He's all bones and sinew wrapped in this leathery striped skin, with these bulging black eyes that just stare blankly, just...like that line from Jaws.  You know those creepy horse masks?  He's like one of those come to life, man."

"Whoa, ease back a little, alright?  I mean, you're no...Ryan Gosling yourself.  Ryan Gosling, that's who I mean, right?  He's that guy, you know, with the face...?"

"This isn't about me or Ryan Gosling, this is about the hideous mutant zebra man!"

"Was he well dressed?"

"What?"

"Was he well dressed?"

"...actually, yes.  Real sharp suit.  Grey pinstripe, mauve shirt, plum tie.  But he looked like a corpse in it."

"Seems like Zebraman can't cut a break with you."

"He's a hid-"

"He showed up on time, well dressed, Aims thinks he's a helluva guy, and he's already getting to work straight away.  I'm failing to see your problem with this guy."

"He's a-"

"Go getter?"

"He ate the paper.  Couldn't get it in the fax machine so he crammed it in his toothy snout."

"So he's green, too.  You could learn a lot from this guy."

"Sure, he could teach me how to piss in the elevator.  Yeah, he totally did that."

"To be fair, I don't think that's really a teachable moment."

"To be fair, he's a hideous mutant zebra man!"

"Again, so far, I only get the last part 'cuz that's his name."

"...dude, I go out for drinks to wind down.  This is not a wind down.  This is a wind up.  I'm about to lose it here."

"Probably don't want to look at who just came in then."

"Oh for the love of..."

"Your ex, Brenda."

"Oh, whew...I thought you were gonna say-"

"And she's with Zebraman."

"Kill me now."