Thursday, August 20, 2015

Muppet of the Fortnight: Robin

Robin is the worst Muppet and I hate him.  Shut up you whiny little bitch.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Muppet of the Fortnight: Sweetums

As per a friend's request, today's MotF is Sweetums.

[ignore the little frog, though, I hate that guy...future blog post to explain why?]

Sweetums is the greatest.  Sweetums for president.  All hail Sweetums.  Glory be to Sweetums.

If it ain't abundantly clear, I love me some Sweetums.

[and so do all these hot babes]

"Why do you love you some Sweetums, good sir?', you ask? 
Well, thank you for asking.  I shall answer with a god-awful poem:

O Sweetums, 
great lumbering brute, 
big shaggy ogre,
man in a suit?

Full-body Muppets
they sure are neat
they seem alive
as they walk down the street.

You look like a monster
but are gentle and shy
it was your looks 
that first caught my eye

but then your character
I began to see
and it was these factors
that endeared you to me.

[Your face says it all, big guy...]

Well, that lived up to its billing.  Bleh.

Right, so Sweetums is a seven-foot tall ogre who is also bashful, clumsy, a bit simple, and often hilarious.  My earliest memory of him, if I have my memories straight (I probably don't, memory is a dodgy thing) is a picture in a book.  Similarly to my Frazzle story, I had a Muppet book of some sort as a kid, I knew all the other familiar friendly faces, and then there was this one page...

This is where I'd post a picture of the page if I could find it.  Instead, here's Sweetums busting through a wall like a boss:


It was just Sweetums eating a bowl of soup.  But again, like Frazzle, he grabbed my attention, he stood out, and scared wee tiny me just a bit.  Filling the page, he seemed massive, I'd never seen a Muppet with such size.  He was this gigantic, rag-clad, shaggy monster with a face unlike any other Muppet.  Animal may have similar features but he also has this seemingly crazed grin on his face.  Sweetums, on the other hand, looked gruff and threatening, at least in this image. 

I would assume my next exposure to the big guy was The Muppet Movie which would add depth to my interest as I was able to see that no, this big scary monster was not really scary but in fact, quite lovable and dare I say charming.

It's odd that Sweetums wasn't really my favorite Muppet until more recently.  I didn't grow up loving him as much as I do now which I find rather strange in retrospect.  He's everything I should have loved and for some reason, it was only in the last ten years or so that I really started digging him.  I would chalk that up to him being more of a second-tier character, often in the background or only having a line or so, someone easily overlooked...and yet, that's also something that draws me towards other characters.  I tend not to go for the most popular folks, this is what kept me from liking Kermit for the longest time.  On top of that, I always like the misunderstood monsters like Frankenstein's monster, Quasimodo, X-Men's Beast (I do believe I'm repeating myself from my Animal post here) and Sweetums absolutely fits right into a group like that.  I should have been over the moon for this guy as a kid and thinking back, I can remember kind of liking him but that was about it.  Truthfully, though, my overall Muppet fandom and appreciation for the franchise and its characters has amplified quite significantly in that same time frame as my fandom for Sweetums specifically.  So I guess it might just be a case of "I got older, wiser, and more into this stuff" and thus was willing and able to assess the various characters from a different perspective and evaluate my favorite on more mature terms?

Another cool thing about Sweetums is that he's a full-body Muppet.  He can be shown head to toe, he can walk around, he can dance, he's got a freedom that lends to a realism that isn't so easy to afford to other characters.  You can suspend your disbelief that much easier when he's walking around like you or me.  In fact, he appears in the theater during the Disneyworld Muppets 3D show, which I have attended and therefore, I can say I've seen him in person.

What I consider to be Sweetums' best moment is likely something few people have really seen.  It's not from one of the movies or The Muppet Show, it's from a digital Muppisode on youtube and Sweetums steals the show and I think, steals the scenes from Gordon effin' Ramsey of all people:

What else can I say?  I want to hug the big bastard and then go play soccer with him at the park and I don't even like sports.  I...
I think I might be in love.
I think I might be in love with Sweetums. 
I mean, I'm thinking of us spending time together and I can't stop smiling.  I'm thinking of us canoeing at sunset and cuddling on the couch.  I'm thinking of skipping through a field, hand in hand, and feeding each other grapes.  I can see us playfully wrestling in the long grass before we roll under a tree and I find myself brushing back his shaggy locks as he holds me close.  I can see a beautiful future together, I can see a happy future, I can see us growing old together...

...I, uh, think I opened up just a little too much there.
So, right, this was my blog about Sweetums who is probably my favorite Muppet because he is pretty great and stuff.  Hope you liked it.  

If you've got a Muppet in mind that you want me to ramble about, sound off all ten of you that read these MotF posts.

Close us out, Sweetums...

Good lord, I love him so...

Friday, July 24, 2015

A Toast to Better Days Ahead: Part II

The sky burns orange and purple both above the village streets and in the glistening pools of blood that cover them.  There is a war painting them crimson, a battle being fought between two sides quite unequal in number but very much equal in peculiarity.
On the attack are a mindless horde without strategy or tactic but only an insatiable appetite for the flesh of its inhabitants.  They have seemingly risen from the very grave itself with vacant grey eyes masking a burning hunger that drives them relentlessly toward the warm bodies hiding behind brick and mortar.
They are opposed by the brave few who have taken arms to protect themselves, a few who have grown only fewer as ignorance to their undead foes have thinned their ranks.  But they fight with their own allies from the other side of the grave, a pair who bring not only knowledge of the ravenous army but also an immunity to their infection and abilities far beyond those of the mortal townsfolk.  This macabre duo lead the charge without fear for they are the vampire, Count Dracula, and the flesh-golem handiwork of Victor Frankenstein, now calling himself Hugo.

"Aim square between the eyes!  No bullet can stop them lest it's fired into the depths of their brains!  The grey matter within their skulls houses their only spark of life!  Whether it be by bullet, blade, or bludgeon, its destruction will lay them to rest," The Count bellows the instruction to a portly mustached fellow gripping his rifle with hands that tremble with both terror and the will to protect his family, "Tell all who may pass this way so that their weakness might be exposed to as many a man as dare stand against them!"

"Or woman, sir," a voice draws the Count's eyes to the man's wife who now stands beside him brandishing a pistol of her own.  Responding with a fanged smile, Dracula seemingly melts into a swirling cloud of ink that slithers upward through the air.  The gun-clutching couple stand slack-jawed but for a moment before tightening their grip on both their firearms as well as their resolve as they hear the groans of the invasion.

The spray of near-black crimson bursts across the bricks as a pair of skulls shatter against it, each gripped from the rear by the sizable hand of their towering attacker.  Upon dropping to the ground their destruction is complete as an equally sizable boot crushes what remains underfoot.  The near eight-foot Hugo does not bother to wipe the gore from their treads before lunging toward another trio of moaning assailants.  Seizing the outside pair by the face, he forcefully claps their skulls together, catching the third between them, their skulls crushing like melons upon impact.  Wringing the drippings from his hands, he catches glimpse of the black cloud spiraling down beside him.

"The joy of feeling their skulls collapse in my palms is a strong temptation to remain where I stand, my friend, but we must press onward and make haste to prepare the next village for their arrival."

As the mist solidifies into the vampire's form, a hand takes shape on the shoulder of the giant.

"Preparations go before us, dear Hugo.  I have sent letters of warning and instruction to the next few villages in the direction of their advancement with several of my finest kin.  Knowledge of the threat that has besieged their neighbors shall now be met by the knowledge of how they can ready themselves to succeed against it.  And our own personal efforts have earned us recognition already, my friend.  Indeed, the tides have begun to turn as the waves of blood spill from this loathsome plague.  As word of this ravenous army continues to spread, so, too, does that of the two creatures of the night who dare lead the charge against them."

"I seek not renown for my efforts.  I seek only to extinguish the revulsion that contorts their features as they look upon me."

"I know you seek only equality among them but I do not doubt that you would also welcome a firm handshake, a pat on the back, a warm embrace, or even a kiss should it be offered.  What if they were to look upon you with admiration?  What if they were to applaud and cheer your name?  What if their features no longer crumpled in fear and disgust but instead lit up with awe and respect?  I assure you the burden of being well regarded will be a thousand-fold lighter than that which is currently shackled to your back."

"We haven't the time to debate the weight I'm fit to bear as our foes here are not fully laid to waste."

"Listen, my friend!  As their shots ring out, the voice of the adversary diminishes!  This town is standing its ground and soon it will stand in silence!  Go then and find yourself a few more that you might destroy for your own pleasure for I believe our work here to be near complete.  And when that silence washes over this town, rest your bones for you have earned your respite.  I must admit, however, that I will continue to prod you toward accepting your role as celebrated hero."

"Rather hero than monster, I suppose, if it must be one or the other."

"They shall sculpt you in marble and fix it in their square!"

A half-smile and a sigh are the giant's reply as he clenches his fists and jogs off toward the sounds of combat.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Always Be Yourself (aka Don't Be Batman)

Since you're reading this on the internet, you've probably seen this.  Then again, maybe you haven't, since I don't know what your internet habits are.  Maybe you never leave your inflatable furry vore message boards.  Oh man, that sentence might get my blog some hits.  Not sure if they're hits I want.  Er, um, HELLO FRIENDS!  I don't judge what you're into and I appreciate your reading my bullshit.  Please pull up a chair and put your feet up while I get back on point...

So that thing at the top there, about being Batman.  Someone posted in my Facebook wall one time...I guess 'cuz they know I dig comics and such.  But I've given it some thought and I've come to a conclusion:

I do not want to be Batman.

Even if I could, even if it were possible, even if I could just wake up tomorrow without any effort and be Batman, I would decline.

I'm not sure if this is the part where fanboys and girls go off at me?  Let me just play that part for a moment....


Something like that.  Let's say that you're asking me that...maybe not quite in those words and not so loudly because you're polite and that's why I like you.  You're a class act, you know that?

Ok, so I won't deny that there are some parts of being Batman that would be alright:

-shit-tons of cash money
-straight-up jacked physique
-all the cool gadgets
-cool costume
-smart as hell
-handsome? (Bruce is supposed to be good looking, yes?  I mean, he's certainly better looking than I am regardless)
-know all the fighting moves

Maybe a few more.  Ok, cool, yeah that sounds pretty good.  Pretty desirable stuff there.  So why don't I want to be Batman?

First: the responsibility.  You know the Spider-Man quote.  if you're going to be a superhero, that's a pretty heavy burden to carry.  You've gotta figure stuff out, you've gotta get out there and do things, and most importantly, you have to succeed.  That's not easy.  That's hard as hell.  And you've got to do it routinely.  You've got to bust your ass and make sure you get the job done.  Because if you don't, there are some pretty serious consequences.  Then you've let down the victims, the public, and yourself.  You're just some idiot in a leather jumpsuit trying to be something he's not.  The whole city, sometimes the world, is relying on you to not only realize there is a situation, not only figure out how to then tackle that situation, not only get out there and follow through on tackling that situation, but also successfully accomplish tackling that situation with as few side effects as possible.  And hey, maybe you succeeded in stopping the bad guy from blowing up a thing or whatever but what if you botched up just a bit?  What if instead of a thousand, even five people, even just one person, died because you miscalculated just a little?  What if some big fancy building, maybe a hospital, was destroyed in the process?  Sure, you've got shit-tons of cash money to pay for it but hey, there goes a chunk of your change and every time you look at that checkbook you'll remember that one time you let a hospital get destroyed.  People probably died waiting for the new one to be build, you idiot.

[Hospitals aren't built overnight, jerk!]

Ok, so you've got a sick ripped body now.  You're athletic as all hell.  Fast, strong, agile.  You're the pinnacle of the human body.  You look great.  Probably ought to take some pictures because even if you just woke up as Batman, this body isn't going to maintain itself.  Soon as you start slipping on your workouts, soon as you start eating the wrong stuff, soon as you start getting winded just a little easier, start getting softer in the wrong places, you're going to have some problems, FatBat.  You've got to train like a machine and eat smart, all that jazz, because if you lose a step, that means you don't catch that guy falling off a building, you don't throw that Batarang fast enough to deflect a bullet, you don't get to that bomb in time, you don't win the fight against that bad guy...and you fail.  And we talked about you failing earlier.  You don't want to fail.  So if you're not pounding bad guys, you better be pounding weights...
...'Pounding weights' is a thing people say about working out, right?  I don't know, I don't work out in the slightest...yeah, so you know, not really the right person to be Batman.

Alright, now let's address that you could die a lot.  Like, you're out there fighting guys with guns and bombs and powers and stuff and they don't have your moral code or one rule or whatever, they will gladly kill you dead and make a very concentrated effort to kill you dead.  And that's when you're actively engaging them.  When you're not and you're just chilling at home, there are still a bunch of powerful crazy-ass bastards that are trying to figure out who you are and are trying to kill you dead.  This also doesn't take into account your potential to make mistakes.  That bomb I keep mentioning could blow up and kill you dead.  Maybe you mistime that grappling hook and instead of swinging like a badass so you make a cool silhouette in front of the full moon, you just fall a couple hundred feet and you're Splatman.  Basically every day you have a thousand chances to die.  I mean, sure, that's true with all of us but you're really ramping up the odds in your line of work if your line of work is Batman.

I mentioned people trying to figure out who you are.  That's another thing: the secret identity.  Although, maybe you just go public with it?  Some heroes keep it under wraps, some just put it out there.  Either way you want to do it, though, you've got to figure out how you're going to play that game without making a big-ass mistake that again, gets you killed.  Or gets everyone you love and care about killed.  That's another thing, those crazy-ass bastards are going to come for your friends and family.  You've got to figure out how you're going to keep them safe.  Maybe by keeping your identity under wraps but that's no easy task.  Maybe you put it out there and go public...but then that might just be inviting danger to your door.  Or to your dear sweet mother's door.  Or to the door of the one woman you've ever loved.  Or to the door of your beloved canine companion.  Or the door of your whole effing city.  I guess the other option is to only be normal life, no social life, no public persona, no escape...yeah, that also sounds like it might be kind of rough.

You can't just coast.  You can't just be Batman and you're all set.  Like I said about the body issue, you need to not only be constantly maintaining your body and mind but you've got to be getting better.  All the time.  You don't want to be predictable.  You don't want your enemies to be able to figure out your stuff and be ready to counter all your moves and gadgets and whatnot.  And they're going to keep trying to out-smart you.  Better plans, better weapons, better've got to keep up, you've got to stay ahead of them, or at least not be too far behind them or again...dead people, man.  So while they're coming up with better plans, better weapons, better everything, you need to be, too.  The same old Batman's not going to cut it, bucko.

So, let's review why you should always be yourself even if you can be Batman:
If you are Batman, you need to be out in at least your city risking your life fighting crime and succeeding as much as possible with as few mistakes as possible when you're not doing that you need to be making every effort to improve yourself mentally and physically and technologically to be able to combat foes that are doing the same and who are also intent on killing you and probably everyone you hold dear and you have to wrestle with your dual identities all the while.

You may also have to team up with Robin or Batgirl or the JLA and figure out the whole teamwork thing as well as be responsible for not fucking up and getting them killed, too.

[And getting Supes on your bad side might get your head punched into a fine mist...]

Oh yeah, and if you want to be Batman your parents have to get murdered!  So you know, maybe you think that's a fair trade, I dunno.  Maybe your parents are jerks.  Mine aren't.  So I don't think I'd be down for the whole parent murdering thing.

[I mean, it seems to have affected Batman a fair bit...]

You know why Batman's so grumpy and brooding and it's easy to find images of 'sad Batman'?  Because being Batman sucks.

["*sad noise*"]

So that part where I played the role of an angry BatFan up there...I probably should have just said:


And then not written 1400 words explaining why I would not want to be Batman.  But then...wouldn't be much of a blog if I just told myself to shut up all the time, right?

I'm just saying given the choice between being the goof who just wrote this blog and being The Caped Crusader...I'll stick with being me.  I mean, I'm not a billionaire playboy with eight-pack abs who knows all the fighting moves but hey, I can just sit here like a goof and write a stupid blog on a Tuesday evening and only have to worry about if my cat's going to shit on herself again tonight.  Seems like a little lighter a burden is all I'm saying.

Now then... arguments here.

Muppet of the Fortnight: Big Mean Carl

I do believe I've fallen behind and am a week late in posting a new Muppet of the Fortnight.  It doesn't seem like these are my most popular posts so I don't know if anyone really gives a hoot.  I will apologize regardless.  Keep your hoots, you might need them later.

Now let's talk about Big Mean Carl!

["Hi everybody, my name is Carl!"]

Alright, I'm going to be honest in saying that me and Carl aren't overly familiar.  Truth be told, when I went to write this column, I just Googled 'Muppets' and looked at the images to pick somebody to write about.  I saw the above picture of Carl and was like, "Yes!"  But I only recognized the face, I didn't recall the name, and had to think a bit about any appearances I could remember...and I only came up with one: the shitty Christmas special with Lady Gaga from last year.

Ok, so truthfully, it wasn't all shitty.  The Muppets had some decent segments in between the musical performances.  The rest of it was the problem.  I don't hate Lady Gaga, I'm fairly indifferent to her, but it was just a big-ass commercial for her new album disguised as a Christmas special.  It was pretty unpleasant.  But again, the Muppet segments in between were fairly ok and saved it from being a complete waste of time.  Anyway, as it pertains to Big Mean Carl, our man of the hour, I do distinctly recall him being a highlight and perhaps the highlight as I remember my wife and I laughing at his bit more than anything else.  He auditions to be on it with a magic act that involves making his assistant eating him.

[Let's be honest, that assistant looks delicious...]

Now, I had to go and do some research on ol' Carl and apparently he did a few variations on this skit on Muppets Tonight.  I have to admit, big of a Muppets fan as I am, I only recall seeing a few episodes of that show when I was younger and have never managed to revisit it since.
...oh crap, there goes my credibility...

So enough about me, let's get back to Carl!

["Hi everybody, I'm still Carl!"]

So the bit is usually that Carl comes out with an act (ventriloquist, psychic, etc.) and ends up eating the other character.  That's his gimmick.  Simple but effective.

[Finally a psychic that's not a fraud!]

There's something about muppet-eating-muppet scenes that I really like even though they kind of break the magic and make it clear it's just a puppet getting shoved into the mouth of another puppet that's got an opening somewhere in the back of their black fabric gullet.  It's like that peek behind the curtain where understanding the magic doesn't kill the magic but makes you appreciate it more.  They're so goddamn good at this puppetry that you forget they're puppets and then for that split second when Big Mean Carl shoves some poor bugger into his gaping maw you're like, "I see how they did that" and for a moment, they are puppets, but that's fine because HE ATE THE OTHER ONE.

So what else can I say about Big Mean Carl?  He's got an amusing and memorable look with his horns, bulging eyes, bulbous nose, and cavernous mouth, and he's got a good shtick that makes for memorable skits.  He's funny stuff.  You don't always have to be a layered superstar like Kermit, sometimes you can just be the big hilarious monster that eats things/people and be awesome in your own right.  Keep up the good work, Carl.

[Oh yeah, sometimes he's a bunny...Carl rules.]

Friday, July 3, 2015

The New Guy Pt. 1

"So they finally fired Steve Mellechuk?"


"'Bout damn time.  How that asshole stuck around so long is beyond me."

"Everyone was sure it was blackmail."

"Well, ding dong Mellechuk's gone!  I think we can drink to that!"

"We could.  But part of me kind of wishes he weren't."

"Ok, what?!  What twisted masochistic part of you wants that douchebag back in your office?"

"The part of me that's met his replacement."

"Ok, what's so bad about his replacement?"

"...he's a hideous mutant zebra man."

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"I know, I know, I shouldn't judge a book by its cover but, I mean, c'mon, man..."

"Ok, hold on, slow down, back up.  So Steve was what, the Assistant Head of Executive Accounts and RCT Reports, right?"

"VRC Reports."

"Tomato, tomato.  He was also a total asshole which I don't believe was a necessary qualification for the position.  So, this new guy, is he also an asshole?"

"No, but he's a hideous mutant zebra man."

"I'm going to need you to start at the top and give this some context, man."

"Alright, sure.  Pulled into the parking lot at quarter to, just in time to see an unmarked black panel van pulling away from the office.  Dave Shoemaker comes running up."

"Oh man, Shoemaker probably had a field day with that.  Let me guess, InnoServe Solutions is the money laundering site for the reptillians who caused 9/11?"

"Maybe, I've honestly stopped listening.  It's just white noise.  But I can't lie, my mind went in that direction when I saw it.  We know the usual delivery trucks, never seen one of these.  So, Shoemaker and I head in and there's Rachael at the desk and so we ask and she says Mellechuk's replacement just got here."

"Alright, so the dude carpools with the Men in Black.  You used to ride with Greg Pheobus so you can't really talk.  You had to burn your entire first year wardrobe."

"Pheebs was gross, absolutely, but this guy is a hideous mutant zebra man."

"Just keep going..."

"Alright, so Dave and I go to grab some coffee and we run into Chris Aims."

"Right, Head of Executive Accounts and RCT Reports?"

"VRC Reports."

"Potato, potato.  And...?"

"'Hey guys, you need to meet my new Assistant, he just got here and he's a helluva guy!'"

"See?  He's a helluva guy."

"He's also a hideous-"

"'HELLUVA GUY'!  Continue!"

", coffee in hand, we all head down to Accounts and Reports.  Before we even get there, I hear this...dry, wheezing chuckle...and then, there he is at the fax machine."

"Laughing at the fax machine.  Of course, it's not 1992."

"He wasn't laughing, though, and he was just punching it with a fistful of paper.  Well, I'm not sure 'fistful' is even the right word but there's not really a word for what's in between a fist and a hoof."

"Laughing at it, punching it, it's a fax machine, it's well deserved.  But enough about the fax machine already..."

"Aims makes introductions.  "Guys, I'd like you to meet Alistair Zebraman."  Next thing I know I'm shaking hands...well, again, I use the term 'hand' loosely...with a hideous mutant-"

"Zebraman is his name, dude."

"And what he is!  He's all bones and sinew wrapped in this leathery striped skin, with these bulging black eyes that just stare blankly, that line from Jaws.  You know those creepy horse masks?  He's like one of those come to life, man."

"Whoa, ease back a little, alright?  I mean, you're no...Ryan Gosling yourself.  Ryan Gosling, that's who I mean, right?  He's that guy, you know, with the face...?"

"This isn't about me or Ryan Gosling, this is about the hideous mutant zebra man!"

"Was he well dressed?"


"Was he well dressed?"

"...actually, yes.  Real sharp suit.  Grey pinstripe, mauve shirt, plum tie.  But he looked like a corpse in it."

"Seems like Zebraman can't cut a break with you."

"He's a hid-"

"He showed up on time, well dressed, Aims thinks he's a helluva guy, and he's already getting to work straight away.  I'm failing to see your problem with this guy."

"He's a-"

"Go getter?"

"He ate the paper.  Couldn't get it in the fax machine so he crammed it in his toothy snout."

"So he's green, too.  You could learn a lot from this guy."

"Sure, he could teach me how to piss in the elevator.  Yeah, he totally did that."

"To be fair, I don't think that's really a teachable moment."

"To be fair, he's a hideous mutant zebra man!"

"Again, so far, I only get the last part 'cuz that's his name."

"...dude, I go out for drinks to wind down.  This is not a wind down.  This is a wind up.  I'm about to lose it here."

"Probably don't want to look at who just came in then."

"Oh for the love of..."

"Your ex, Brenda."

"Oh, whew...I thought you were gonna say-"

"And she's with Zebraman."

"Kill me now."

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Why are there so many blogs about rainbows?

Earlier this week gay marriage was legalized in all fifty US states.  I, for one, am thrilled for all those fine folks who have longed for and fought for equality in life, law, and love.  Marry it up, you lovely people.  I can only hope this is but the beginning of further progress that needs to be made in so many other ways.

But I'm not really here to talk about that.  I'm here to talk about rainbows! 

My Facebook feed has been drowning in rainbows this week and I'm loving it.  But you know who's not loving it?  The folks who equate the rainbow with God's covenant with Noah in the book of Genesis.  They find its appropriation as a symbol for LGBT pride far from appropriate.  They see this beautiful symbol as disgusting and terrible.  I know how they feel because we've got their Godly covenant rainbow on the other hand...

[Just a heads-up, I am about to speak pretty unkindly of this story and of good ol' God himself, so if you aren't ok with reading that kind of thing, click away.]

Story time!
Once upon a time, God makes people.  Poorly.  People break thanks to a design flaw he knowingly built into them, as he knew they would, and as he could have prevented.  He punishes them for his own mistakes rather than forgiving them and fixing them.
After awhile, there are a lot of people but thanks to God not really giving a shit, they get carried away and are all pretty bad for the most part (well, there are children and babies who can't really be considered bad but hey, lump them in with the rest like God did, ok?).  God, in his infinite wisdom decides the best course of action is not one of a multitude of better options like teaching them, giving them a change of heart, rewiring their minds, or just about anything else you can think of because you are smarter than him, but instead opts to just commit global genocide and slaughter the whole lot of them (including those children and babies, don't forget!) and save only a handful.  Oh, and not just have them die quietly and painlessly in their sleep or to just drop dead where they stand, he's going to drown them all.  Because what's killing people if they don't struggle and suffer on their way out?
Also all the animals need to die, too.  Because...because stop asking questions.
Well, except he's gonna cram a pair of each species on a big-ass boat with that handful of decent folks because...well, it's not like he could just create new animals.  Well he could but...stop asking questions.
So, he after he drowns millions of people and animals and they're all thoroughly dead bloated corpses bobbing in the receding waters...he's throws up a rainbow!  Talk about juxtaposition!

"Billy, stop poking that puffy corpse full of hermit crabs and look at the pretty colors!  Please, everyone just stop looking at the mountains of rotting flesh and look at the lovely thing in the sky!  Well, I mean, watch your step though, don't want to get your foot stuck in...whatever or whoever's carcass that is but seriously, try to ignore the horrific stench and look at the thing!"

In Genesis 9:8-17, God tells that handful of folks what the rainbow means: he promises that never again will he be a blithering idiot and drown the entire world with a flood.  Now, he'll still drown parts of the population on a pretty regular basis.  And also earthquakes and other terrible disasters will routinely wipe out decent chunks of the population.  But hey, he won't kill all of us all at once with water!
So every time you see a rainbow, remember how much he loves you and how awesome it is that you're alive (though he might kill you at any moment) and not currently being drowned even though other people might currently be drowning by the thousands but at least they're not the entire human population because he's so great, am I right?

Just think if your dad killed your mother, brothers, and sisters, but not you and then gave you a teddy bear so you'd remember how much he loves you and won't kill you (though he might cut off your hand or gouge out your eye or any number of other forms of non-fatal bodily harm).  "Dear ol', Sweet ol' Dad, whatta guy, I'll always treasure Mr Button-Eyes!"

Rainbows are beautiful.  I find the LGBT rainbow and everything it stands for beautiful.  They see their God's rainbow as beautiful.  I'm just saying I see the rainbow as it relates to God and Noah's ark as a symbol of God's spectacularly shitty problem solving skills, murder on an absolute and global scale, a joke of a promise that essentially means nothing, and 'love' that is anything but.  So I know how you feel, anti-gay Noah rainbow lovers, because I, too, can find a rainbow disgusting and insulting.

Just one man's perspective.  I realize this post was probably pretty pointless because I doubt any of the folks I was talking about actually read it.  But hey, I lose sleep over things that rattle my cage and homophobia and stupid religious stuff are high on the list of things that do that.  Forgive my self-indulgent venting, I guess.

Oh, and if you're a decent Christian who is A-OK with gay marriage and happy to wave the rainbow flag and all that, sorry I crapped on your God and your story about him but if you're wise enough to be cool with the gay stuff, I hope you're wise enough to be cool with a raging atheist on occasion, as well.

But in the end, I think we can all agree: rainbows are pretty.