So that thing at the top there, about being Batman. Someone posted in my Facebook wall one time...I guess 'cuz they know I dig comics and such. But I've given it some thought and I've come to a conclusion:
I do not want to be Batman.
Even if I could, even if it were possible, even if I could just wake up tomorrow without any effort and be Batman, I would decline.
I'm not sure if this is the part where fanboys and girls go off at me? Let me just play that part for a moment....
WHAT?! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO BE A BRILLIANT MILLIONAIRE SUPERHERO WHO HAS SWEET GADGETS AND CAN FIGHT AND GETS BABES AND IS COOL AND OHMYGOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!
Something like that. Let's say that you're asking me that...maybe not quite in those words and not so loudly because you're polite and that's why I like you. You're a class act, you know that?
Ok, so I won't deny that there are some parts of being Batman that would be alright:
-shit-tons of cash money
-straight-up jacked physique
-all the cool gadgets
-butler
-cool costume
-smart as hell
-handsome? (Bruce is supposed to be good looking, yes? I mean, he's certainly better looking than I am regardless)
-know all the fighting moves
Maybe a few more. Ok, cool, yeah that sounds pretty good. Pretty desirable stuff there. So why don't I want to be Batman?
First: the responsibility. You know the Spider-Man quote. if you're going to be a superhero, that's a pretty heavy burden to carry. You've gotta figure stuff out, you've gotta get out there and do things, and most importantly, you have to succeed. That's not easy. That's hard as hell. And you've got to do it routinely. You've got to bust your ass and make sure you get the job done. Because if you don't, there are some pretty serious consequences. Then you've let down the victims, the public, and yourself. You're just some idiot in a leather jumpsuit trying to be something he's not. The whole city, sometimes the world, is relying on you to not only realize there is a situation, not only figure out how to then tackle that situation, not only get out there and follow through on tackling that situation, but also successfully accomplish tackling that situation with as few side effects as possible. And hey, maybe you succeeded in stopping the bad guy from blowing up a thing or whatever but what if you botched up just a bit? What if instead of a thousand, even five people, even just one person, died because you miscalculated just a little? What if some big fancy building, maybe a hospital, was destroyed in the process? Sure, you've got shit-tons of cash money to pay for it but hey, there goes a chunk of your change and every time you look at that checkbook you'll remember that one time you let a hospital get destroyed. People probably died waiting for the new one to be build, you idiot.
[Hospitals aren't built overnight, jerk!]
Ok, so you've got a sick ripped body now. You're athletic as all hell. Fast, strong, agile. You're the pinnacle of the human body. You look great. Probably ought to take some pictures because even if you just woke up as Batman, this body isn't going to maintain itself. Soon as you start slipping on your workouts, soon as you start eating the wrong stuff, soon as you start getting winded just a little easier, start getting softer in the wrong places, you're going to have some problems, FatBat. You've got to train like a machine and eat smart, all that jazz, because if you lose a step, that means you don't catch that guy falling off a building, you don't throw that Batarang fast enough to deflect a bullet, you don't get to that bomb in time, you don't win the fight against that bad guy...and you fail. And we talked about you failing earlier. You don't want to fail. So if you're not pounding bad guys, you better be pounding weights...
...'Pounding weights' is a thing people say about working out, right? I don't know, I don't work out in the slightest...yeah, so you know, not really the right person to be Batman.
Alright, now let's address that you could die a lot. Like, you're out there fighting guys with guns and bombs and powers and stuff and they don't have your moral code or one rule or whatever, they will gladly kill you dead and make a very concentrated effort to kill you dead. And that's when you're actively engaging them. When you're not and you're just chilling at home, there are still a bunch of powerful crazy-ass bastards that are trying to figure out who you are and are trying to kill you dead. This also doesn't take into account your potential to make mistakes. That bomb I keep mentioning could blow up and kill you dead. Maybe you mistime that grappling hook and instead of swinging like a badass so you make a cool silhouette in front of the full moon, you just fall a couple hundred feet and you're Splatman. Basically every day you have a thousand chances to die. I mean, sure, that's true with all of us but you're really ramping up the odds in your line of work if your line of work is Batman.
I mentioned people trying to figure out who you are. That's another thing: the secret identity. Although, maybe you just go public with it? Some heroes keep it under wraps, some just put it out there. Either way you want to do it, though, you've got to figure out how you're going to play that game without making a big-ass mistake that again, gets you killed. Or gets everyone you love and care about killed. That's another thing, those crazy-ass bastards are going to come for your friends and family. You've got to figure out how you're going to keep them safe. Maybe by keeping your identity under wraps but that's no easy task. Maybe you put it out there and go public...but then that might just be inviting danger to your door. Or to your dear sweet mother's door. Or to the door of the one woman you've ever loved. Or to the door of your beloved canine companion. Or the door of your whole effing city. I guess the other option is to only be Batman...no normal life, no social life, no public persona, no escape...yeah, that also sounds like it might be kind of rough.
You can't just coast. You can't just be Batman and you're all set. Like I said about the body issue, you need to not only be constantly maintaining your body and mind but you've got to be getting better. All the time. You don't want to be predictable. You don't want your enemies to be able to figure out your stuff and be ready to counter all your moves and gadgets and whatnot. And they're going to keep trying to out-smart you. Better plans, better weapons, better everything...you've got to keep up, you've got to stay ahead of them, or at least not be too far behind them or again...dead people, man. So while they're coming up with better plans, better weapons, better everything, you need to be, too. The same old Batman's not going to cut it, bucko.
So, let's review why you should always be yourself even if you can be Batman:
If you are Batman, you need to be out in at least your city risking your life fighting crime and succeeding as much as possible with as few mistakes as possible when you're not doing that you need to be making every effort to improve yourself mentally and physically and technologically to be able to combat foes that are doing the same and who are also intent on killing you and probably everyone you hold dear and you have to wrestle with your dual identities all the while.
You may also have to team up with Robin or Batgirl or the JLA and figure out the whole teamwork thing as well as be responsible for not fucking up and getting them killed, too.
[And getting Supes on your bad side might get your head punched into a fine mist...]
Oh yeah, and if you want to be Batman your parents have to get murdered! So you know, maybe you think that's a fair trade, I dunno. Maybe your parents are jerks. Mine aren't. So I don't think I'd be down for the whole parent murdering thing.
[I mean, it seems to have affected Batman a fair bit...]
You know why Batman's so grumpy and brooding and it's easy to find images of 'sad Batman'? Because being Batman sucks.
["*sad noise*"]
So that part where I played the role of an angry BatFan up there...I probably should have just said:
HEY YOU IDIOT, IT'S JUST A JOKE!
And then not written 1400 words explaining why I would not want to be Batman. But then...wouldn't be much of a blog if I just told myself to shut up all the time, right?
I'm just saying given the choice between being the goof who just wrote this blog and being The Caped Crusader...I'll stick with being me. I mean, I'm not a billionaire playboy with eight-pack abs who knows all the fighting moves but hey, I can just sit here like a goof and write a stupid blog on a Tuesday evening and only have to worry about if my cat's going to shit on herself again tonight. Seems like a little lighter a burden is all I'm saying.
Now then...
...no arguments here.
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